When one or even both partners take a “childish position” in a relationship, as a rule, no harmonious union for life happens. What are the main differences between the “children’s” and “adult” positions?
Being an adult is a common way to live a happy life. Let’s look at it through its antonym. “Non-adulthood” is when, as an adult, you react to the world from childhood “wounds” that were inflicted on you before the age of 18.
A simple example is a man suddenly cancels a date. From the wounded part, you feel like you are unimportant and not chosen. As an adult, you will be a little upset, but you will do other, no less interesting things. There is no drama or tragedy, you are self-sufficient and your life brings you pleasure in any case. But in a childish position, you can create a real drama – first of all, for yourself.
So what signs distinguish a mentally mature woman from an immature one?
Signs of a psychologically mature woman
An adult woman wants to be wanted, not needed.
We all understand that necessary comes from the word “need.” A woman’s desire to be needed speaks of unprocessed childhood traumas. In essence, it is simply the need to be a good daughter, an ideal wife and mother.
An adult woman is a woman who is ideal for herself and desirable for her partner.
The ability to give up the illusion that integrity is only possible in unity with another person
We all dream of total unity – the feeling that our partner accepts us entirely as we are, that we don’t have to be afraid of condemnation and rejection. And wow, at the stage of falling in love we meet our soul mate, our soul mate.
But if the couple develops, then they inevitably move to the next stage of the relationship – the stage of the struggle for power, where two personalities with different beliefs, characters and upbringing already collide. And it’s normal that we are different.
A healthy relationship is a relationship between two adults who have already accepted their integrity, when the principle “I feel good with myself, but a little better with you” applies.
Adults in relationships strengthen each other
The main tragedy of relationships is that our partner will never be able to give us what we most want from him. We choose opposites and then try to make them like us. But the wisdom of the world is that the difference of another person compensates/completes us and makes our couple as a system stable.
For example, you are fast, and the man is enjoying. Since you choose such a partner today, it means you need such compensation. For example, to slow down your temperament and speed of decisions.
Adults see each other’s strengths and focus on positive qualities. If you see a man’s incredible kindness and warmth, these qualities will be enhanced. From the wounded part of childhood, we unconsciously pay attention to failures and negative qualities, which is why failures in relationships continue.
An adult can calm himself down
There are often situations when a girl is offended by a man and expects him to calm her down. Just think about it – who are you waiting for reassurance from? From someone who offended you. Is it possible?
If you find yourself in situations similar to those described above, we recommend using a simple tool – becoming your own mother. That same archetypal mother who will hug, caress, find the right words, hold you close and just be there. Yes, yes, you can give all this to yourself.
The skill of making a choice from a state of love
In an adult position, we are driven by positive motivation – I wish, I want. For example, “I want to call my mom three times a week because we get along great.”
When we are in a childish dependent position, we make a choice from negative motivation – I need it, I must. For example, “I have to call my mom every week and listen to her problems.” In this case, you call your mom out of a sense of duty, not love.
Conflict resolution skills
Conflict is not scary, it’s just a clash of interests. For example, you want to go to the cinema, and your partner wants to go to the theater. Conflict is always a point of development for a couple. This is why it is so important to be able to work through disagreements.
Three simple rules for resolving conflicts in adults:
- Conflict should not lead to conflict behavior (quarrels, scandals, insults)
- You and your partner team up against a problem. You are a team.
- Conflict should have its place; it does not spoil other areas of life and the relationships themselves. It’s like a meeting in the director’s office – they discussed it heatedly, left and went to drink tea together.
Remember that adulthood is a skill that can be developed over time. Of course, if you wish.