Our past relationships often become the cause of problems in the present, especially if in our hearts we are still suffering due to the breakup. Together with a psychologist, we look into the issue.
Love can bring both happiness and harmony into our lives, as well as suffering and pain, especially if the relationship ended on a negative note. Painful suffering, depression and a desire to return to the past indicate that in your soul you still have not been able to get out of the relationship that caused you pain. Together with psychologist Julia Hill, we figure out how to recognize the problem and how to deal with it.
Normally, it takes 6 to 12 months for a person to “let go” of a past relationship: to mourn, forgive, and come to terms. Some psychologists are of the opinion that separation from a loved one occurs in five stages:
- Oh, denial, when you refuse to believe what happened
- Anger, aggression towards the ex himself or towards those who, in your opinion, are “involved” in the breakup: friends, parents, fate
- “Deal” – an attempt to change, become better, in order to attract the attention of an ex or meet another man
- Depression, when despair and powerlessness sets in because all attempts made are in vain, and the relationship cannot be returned
- Accepting the fact of separation, starting a new life.
When we continue to have mental dialogues with our ex and follow his every move, we are not talking about a true separation, but about an emotional break. We are not physically together, but in our thoughts and souls we continue to live together with a full range of feelings. We get stuck at one of the stages of separation.
However, understanding this fact is not always easy. Often our psyche adapts to negative emotions and blocks the ability to adequately perceive reality. In order to understand whether you are holding on to past relationships, it is worth checking yourself. We tell you what signs indicate that you are still living in the past.
- You are communicating with your ex in your thoughts. You prove something to him, you get angry, offended
- You find any reason to see each other or chat. When you find his sock lying around in the closet, hurry to tell him about it. You deliberately find yourself in companies where you are likely to meet
- Everything you do becomes a way to show him that you have become a better person.
- You start several affairs immediately after breaking up – for the sake of revenge or to quickly forget him
- You try to make him jealous: ask mutual friends to tell you that you have a new boyfriend, or make a date at his favorite restaurant
- You continue to follow his career, relationships, moves. And you get hidden pleasure if he begins to look worse and more unhappy
- You do not miss the opportunity to discuss it, sometimes not shying away from covering even the most intimate details
- You still communicate very warmly with his mother or sister. They become almost best friends who, by chance, can also share details of your ex’s life
- You convince everyone around you that you are incredibly happy, although in reality you are worried and sad
- It’s like your life is on pause. You are always doing something and striving for something, but in reality all your actions are focused on how to get him back.
If you’re really going through a breakup, don’t try to mask your sadness by pretending to be free and happy. So you devalue your feelings, do not give them an outlet, and the process of experiencing becomes chronic. Remember that even the most unsuccessful relationships are part of your life and an important experience. Treat them as a valuable lesson from which you can learn a lot of useful things.
If the situation drags on and you realize that you are unable to cope with the problem on your own, try seeking advice from a specialist. Together with a psychologist, you can work through the situation that is causing you pain and understand how to get out of it.